Tired

I don’t even know what I desire anymore. I don’t know who I am outside of being a mom. It feels like that’s all I do, all I know. Don’t get me wrong — I love my kids with everything in me. But somewhere along the way, I lost myself.

I keep trying to think about what I actually like to do. I mean… I like puzzles, reading, and music. But it’s been years since I finished a puzzle. The only thing I read these days is the Bible. And when it comes to music? Yeah, it’s all Disney and KidzBop because well, I’ve got a hella kids.

It’s frustrating. It’s so damn frustrating. Who even am I without them? I don’t know who I am as a wife anymore either. I feel like I’m just here to serve. Constantly giving, constantly doing, but never for myself. By the time I finally get a moment, I’m too drained to do anything but lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

Some days it feels like I’m disappearing. Like I’m just here… existing, not living. I’m not even sure I love myself right now. That’s hard to admit, but it’s true. I’m drowning in motherhood and it hurts to say that, because being a mom really is my favorite thing. I love my family more than anything. But sometimes? I just want everyone to go away for a day.

I just want peace. Quiet. Space to breathe and figure out what I want again.

It’s weird — I’m surrounded by people who love me, yet I feel so alone. I’m tired of being the strong one all the time. I’m tired of holding it all together when I’m the one falling apart inside.

I’m just tired. And I just want to find me again. That’s all I got for now.

Thanks for being here. I’m so glad you came.

- From somewhere in the chaos 🌻